Lion King Remade
by Lavenderpaw
Summary: My rendition of The Lion King
1. In the beginning

**AN: **This is CRUDE humor. I love the LK very much and this is just ideas I've conceived over time. Don't read it if you don't like crude humor. Offensive much? Yes it will be. ;)

**I.**

Rafiki took the newborn up in his hands.

Nothing could be more precious…

Well, except for weed.

The unusually stone-free monkey lifted the new prince to the sky.

All of the animals cheered.

Just when all seemed well the celebrating turned to collective gasps of horror.

Rafiki looked down to see that… the cub had slipped from his hands.

A high-pitched girly cry came from Queen Sarabi. Mufasa sat motionless with wide eyes.

In the blink of an eye a female elephant snatched the prince out of thin air.

"Oh…" she made a cooing noise and snuggled the little golden cub close.

He focused his eyes before giving her a lick.

Then, he smacked his tongue.

The elephant looked at him in concern.

As soon as the cub was returned to a stone-still Rafiki he turned awkwardly with the cub in his arms and gave him to his mother who took him graciously. The monkey walked off.

Sarabi snuggled her offspring before noticing her husband.

"Mufasa."

He didn't respond… he only stood there with the same expression as before.

"Mm. Mm." She tried to shove her son into her husband's paws.

Mufasa finally looked down, gasped and cuddled his son close.

"My baby… MY BABY!"

Sarabi could only then give the audience watching a bizarre look.

Elsewhere, an unemployed monkey would be getting hammered.

To be continued…

~ Lavenderpaw ~


	2. Brotherly loathe

**I.**

A mouse scurried across the Pride Rock cave floor… which Scar caught quickly.

"Life's not fair, is it?" he inquired of the vermin. "You see I, I should be king. I would form a kingdom compromised of male lions, yes, very young male lions and we would-,"

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your sex toy?"

"Oh no look see Zazu you made me lose my orgasm."

"I'm here to announce, that King Mufasa is plugging away! So you better have a good excuse for not joining the orgy this morning." The hornbill was soon to regret speaking.

"Ooo, I quiver with orgies."

"No Scar, don't you look at me so sexily. HELP!"

The bird was caught in the lion's mouth.

"Scar." Mufasa appeared. "Drop him."

With a pop Zazu's bill was out. "Imperfect orgies, your majesty."

Scar deposited the bird on the cave floor, he was no longer turned on.

"Well, if it isn't my inbred brother… descending from your high to mingle with reality."

"Sarabi and I didn't see you at the spawning of Simba."

"That was _today_?" Scar placed his paws on the cave walls and ran them down.

"Well? Any particular reason why you weren't there?" Mufasa asked.

"No… I just like my cubs a little cleaner."

The King roared as he pounced in front of Scar.

"Are you saying I'm not good enough for you?"

"Temper. Temper. I wouldn't dream of plugging you."

"Pity." Zazu flew to stand between them. "Why not?"

"Well as far as play on words go, I've got all the toys in the world but when it comes to filthy, disgusting incest… I'm afraid I'm at the pedo end of the gene pool…" he left then.

"Oh, there's one in every family sire." The King's Majordomo alit on his shoulder. "Two in mine actually and they always object to perfectly normal family mating." When Mufasa wondered what they should do with Scar, Zazu made the statement of incest intervention.

"Zazu!" A grin hit the lion's face.

"And just think! Whenever he gets dirty, you can take him out and rape him."

Mufasa just laughed.

To be continued…

~ Lavenderpaw ~


	3. The Great Incest of Life

**I.**

"Dad, Dad come on Dad!"

"Your son wants to practice." Sarabi reported.

"Before dawn he practices on you…" Mufasa retorted.

"Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!" Simba grabbed onto his father's ear and pulled. "Oh, Dad - Oof!" It turned out Simba was pulling too hard. His father was head butted. Butt, butt…

"You promised!"

"All right, get your butt out of here."

Mufasa yawned and did it with Sarabi before meeting his son outside.

"Everything my cock touches, is unclean."

"Wow."

"One day Simba, I will no longer be able to fill the lionesses with gene-mutating sperm.

After which, you will get laid."

"And this will all be butt-fucked?"

"Everything."

"Everything your cock touches…"

"What about that shadowy place?"

"That's the resistance, Simba. You must never go there."

"But I thought a king could butt-fuck whoever he wanted."

"Well there's more to being a king then just fucking around all the time."

"THERE'S MORE?"

"Hahahaha, Simba." Mufasa paused. "No, not really."

The lion further explained things as they walked.

"Everything you see exists in an incestual balance, and as king, we need to understand that balance and respect all living things; which means we don't breed with them, understand?"

"Sorta. One thing though, we mate with our family but we're against interspecies sex?"

"Yes, now you see Simba, we are all genetically flawed in the Great Incest of Life."

"Good morning, sire!" Zazu flew in at that time.

"Good morning Zazu!"

"Checking in with my gay-ass report!"

"Blather away!"

Zazu proceeded to blather away.

"Yes, that's very interesting." Mufasa glanced at Simba. "What are you doing son?"

"Humping."

His father leaned down. "Let an old pro show you how it's done."

"Cheetahs always cough up…"

"Zazu, will you turn around."

"Yes sire." blah blah blah blah.

"Stick your butt up in the air." Mufasa whispered.

"What are we doing sire?"

"A humping lesson."

"Oh yes very good, humping. HUMPING!.? Oh sire, you can't be serious…"

Mufasa took his index claw and poked it into his other paw suggestively.

"This is so humiliating…"

"Try not to make a sound…"

"What are you telling him Mufasa? Mufasa? Simba?"

The cub jumped up, Zazu flew away and before everyone knew it Simba was going home.

"Don't worry, young master. One day *you'll* be king, and you can hump the shit out of

Those Perverted, Pathetic Potential Pedophiles."

To be continued…

~ Lavenderpaw ~


	4. My time with Uncle Scar

**I.**

"Hey Uncle Scar, guess what?"

"I _despise _guessing games."

"Do you hate them too?"

"Yes!"

"My dad just showed me the whole kingdom and I'm going to HUMP it-,"

"Simba please! I just ate..." He collapsed. "How mice sustain me I don't know."

"Hey Uncle Scar." the cub appeared on his mane. "When I'm King, what'll that make you?"

"The shit stained crack of a primate's buttocks."

"Heh-heh!" Simba rolled away and faced his uncle. "You're so weird..."

Scar confirmed this.

"Uncle," Simba's eyes widened. "Are you a pervert?"

The lion eye's widened. "WHO TOLD YOU!.? Uh, no. Heh heh, what would give you that idea?"

"Zazu told me... he also said you were an effeminate lion."

" 'Effeminate!' "

"Yeah, what does that mean?"

"It means uh... brave, bold, _masculine_!"

"Are you sure it doesn't mean girly?"

"Simba, please, if it weren't for my wrathful hatred of your father and my piercing resentment towards your birth, our collective disdain for that large nosed feather cushion would be our bonding spark."

The child blinked. "So... you're not a pervert?"

"You run along now and don't look over your shoulder."

Simba did as he was told. "And remember," Scar called out. "They're watching!"

"They?"

"_Them_."

"Ohh! You mean _them_? Uncle Scar!"

"What?"

"There they are, under that rock!"

The lion panicked and rushed over to check under a nearby stone.

Simba left to gather his sister/mate and run off to the AIDS-infected elephant graveyard.

To be continued...

~ Lavenderpaw ~


	5. I can't wait to F this up!

**I.**

"I'm gonna be a mother fucker… so enemies be aware!"

"Well I've never met a king or beast with so little pubic hair."

"OW!"

"I'm gonna be the mane event… on my head and up my arse. I'll brush it up, I'll brush it out… I'll even wear make-up and gloss!"

"A rather… defiling thing."

An elephant bitch slapped Zazu away.

"Oh I just can't wait to F this up!"

"Everybody hump left, everybody hump right. Everywhere ya look I'm, humpin' ALL NIGHT!"

Zazu shoved himself between two elephant butt cheeks. They smacked back…

"Aww, yeaaahhh."

"Oh I just can't wait to F this up!"

Simba and Nala passed through two rows of Zebra, they all orgasmed and fell on Zazu.

All the animals sang, orgasming one-by-one as Simba ascended them.

"Oh I just can't wait to F this up!"

"Oh I just can't wait to F this up!"

"Oh I just can't waaaaaaaaitttt."

An elephant was struck right where it counted by an antelope.

"To F this UPPPP!"

With one final orgasm everyone collapsed.

"I beg your breasts madam, but F OFF! Simba, NALA!"

"We lost him."

"_I_ am a mother fucking genius."

"Hey genius it was MY idea!"

They shut up and practiced humping each other into the Elephant Graveyard.

To be continued…

~ Lavenderpaw ~


	6. Look at the Simba

I. – After the hyena incident…

Mufasa was watching the stars when he heard a yawn and turned to see that Simba had fallen asleep cuddled up in his fur. He smiled lovingly and then glanced from side to side.

No one was watching

The lion then proceeded to use his large claws to gently open Simba's gums.

There was no harm done to them.

He leaned his huge frame over and checked the other side.

Next on the agenda was lightly squeezing Simba's little paws to make sure they worked.

Tiny brown claws extended out.

Mufasa took a breath and then peeked into his ears.

Moving right along he thumbed his son's nose up before peering inside his nostrils.

The whispers were next, which Mufasa pushed against his palm.

"Nice." He said as they sprung back precisely with a slight boing!

From there he checked the ribs, counted tail furs and even check his son's under carriage.

Everything was fine.

Mufasa was just about to call it quits when he noticed something…

ONE OF SIMBA'S HAIRS WERE MISSING!

"Three hundred twenty-two… now it's three hundred two-one." He panicked quietly.

This little observation took the lion in the direction of his son's head hairs.

As it turned out there weren't as many on Simba's cranium as Mufasa had at his age.

Vastly concerned, the King licked his paw tips and wet the cub's tiny hairs.

He tried to make them stand up. Growing more panicked when it didn't help, he measured their length, picked up a handful of soil and plopped it on Simba's sleeping head. He then extracted some early dew from the grass with his big paw and spritzed it on his young son.

"Is he ready yet!" Scar called out.

Mufasa glared at him causing the black-maned lion to shrink back.

To be continued…

~ Lavenderpaw ~


	7. Scar's sexy and he knows it!

**I.**

"Now wait right here," Scar led his totally unsuspecting nephew out into a butt crack of land.

"Uncle Scar."

"Yes Simba?"

"Are you going to do something that's evil and potentially traumatizing to me?"

The lion made a freaked out face. "Who told you!.?"

"Uh… no one did."

"Then you have nothing to worry about. Oh, and between you and me, you might want to work on that little hump of yours. Hmm?" As he said this Scar gave Simba's rear end a good firm slapping.

"Hey Uncle Scar," the cub called after him. "Will I like being molested?"

"Simba, you're not even close."

"So… you're not going to rape me?"

"Who even told you things like that?"

"Zazu."

"Ugh, of course."

Scar left.

"Little hump, peh!" Simba laid down. He saw a lizard go by and decided against humping it.

…

Wearing nothing but pink lingerie, a lanky brown lion stepped in front of a herd of wildebeest.

"I'm sexy and I know it." He thrust his package into the air.

"I'm sexy and I know it."

Air thrust. Air thrust. Air thrust. Air thrust.

"Wiggle. Wiggle. Wiggle. Wiggle. Wiggle. YEAH!"

The lion – who was Scar by the way – wiggled his pickle around.

"Wiggle. Wiggle. Wiggle. Wiggle. Wiggle. YEAH!"

"Scar's sexy and he knows it!"

Air thrust. Air thrust. Air thrust. Air thrust.

Air thrust. Air thrust. Air thrust. Air thrust.

Air thrust. Air thrust. Air thrust. Air thrust.

"Scar what are you doing!" Zazu appeared; the bird was bitch slapped.

"It _really_ had to be done."

The lion turned from side to side and pushed at the air every time.

Eventually the wildebeest killed Mufasa, Simba was exiled and Scar became king.

To be continued…

**A/N**: Sorry I'm jumping around (and not updating that much) but I want to get to the good parts.

No, this wasn't it. ;) More to come!

~ Lavenderpaw ~ 


	8. Bros before hoes!

**I.**

So Simba and Nala meet up again as adults…

"Wait until everyone finds out that you've been here all this time, and your mother, what will she think?" This question lingered in the air for all who were present to ponder over.

Well, two oversized house cats, a fat pig and A Mere Cat.

"You're going to tell my mother and everyone I'm alive?" Simba implored.

"Yes."

"Well, in that case. I'm not Simba."

Nala's face dropped. "You're not?"

"No. I'm a ghost… Boo."

Her face was unimpressed.

"Guys, help me out." the lion turned to his friends.

"Don't worry, Simba. We got your back." A Mere Cat said.

A Mere Cat climbed on Fat Pig's back and together they all wiggled their fingers.

"Whooooooooo."

"Simba, you're going back to Pride Rock." Nala said.

"CODE GREEN!" A Mere Cat screamed.

The three friends pulled on oversized gas masks while A Mere Cat pulled on Fat Pig's tail.

Nala released a hacking cough as they stole away.

"Hah!" Simba laughed.

"What a bitch!" Fat Pig declared.

"Didn't see it coming."

"Simba." Nala appeared before them… she had on a hazmat suit.

"Nala?" Simba asked.

"You need to come back to Pride Rock."

"Yeah," the lion looked down in shame. "I guess you're right."

"I am right."

"Actually no, you're not."

Simba pulled off his gas mask with a plastic-band-snapping-back-into-place sound.

"Ha-HA!" He laughed as he jumped down the river. A Mere Cat and Fat Pig jumped on his back as he belly-slid down the arching water. "BROS BEFORE HOES!" they shouted.

Nala gave up and left.

To be continued…

~ Lavenderpaw ~


	9. Kinky friends are kinky

**I.**

So after getting drunk off of spiked water, Simba and Nala rolled down a hill together.

Shama bonga Dalallama!

When Simba landed on her, Nala swooned and gave him a lick.

He just felt SO good.

Her eyes traveled down and grew big… she then dropped her jaw in a smile.

Simba looked down himself. He too dropped his jaw in a smile.

"My God, Nala, we've discovered life."

She gave it a swat.

Later, after their fight…

"You knew my father?" Simba ran up to the crazy little monkey who sat on a stone.

"Oh, Simba!" The primate grabbed him. "You have to let me do this, for old time sake."

Rafiki proceeded to swirl the lion around in his arms.

Simba's eyes grew wide as the monkey drew close to him.

The monkey sighed, looking down lovingly at him. "Just like when you were a baby."

He then gave Simba a pat on the butt.

"Can you just tell me how you know my father?"

"Very well then." Rafiki climbed back on his rock.

"Aren't you going to take me to the mystic pool of mysticness where I'll have a drunken revelation after hallucinating that my father is still with me even though lions are soulless?"

"Uh… no. Anywho, I have very specific methods for contacting the spirit world."

"Uh…" Simba lifted a brow. "Spirit world?"

Rafiki cleared his throat. "A-a-hem." he raised his stick in the air and then started to push up. "Shock-a-lock-a, Shock-a-lock-a, Shock-a-lock-a, Shock-a-lock-a," he then swung his rump and shook it. "Boom-baby. Boom-baby. Boom-baby. Boom-baby." He swirled on his heel and danced in place, pushing his arms and butt out. "Papa want it! Papa want it-,"

"JUST SHOW ME MY FATHER YOU DAMN, DIRTY APE!"

"Okay, sheesh. I was just tryin' ta have a little fun."

To be continued…

~ Lavenderpaw ~


	10. A bitch of a son

**I.**

"What do you see?" Rafiki pointed at the water.

"My fucking reflection. Can I go now?"

"Nooo!" He grabbed Simba's jowls and thrust his face into the big bluish black surface.

"I'm looking harder," The lion managed to grunt out from between squeezed wind pipes.

"Good. Now have yourself a big fucking revelation and let's get on with it."

"Simba…" Mufasa appeared in the sky.

"Da-Daddy?"

"Simba, you have-,"

"Da-daddy… is it really you?"

"Simba," Mufasa said patiently. "Don't start crying like a little bitch."

"I'm a LITTLE bitch!" He blubbered.

"Yes, but you're my little bitch."

"Daddy! Daddy I love you. DADDY!"

"Simba, I've been watching. I can't say I'm very proud of some of the things I've seen."

"You mean," Simba was now wide-eyed; and red-eyed. "That time I was alone with…"

"Yes, Simba. I saw that."

"And that time me and Timon went…"

"Yes. And I also saw that time with you and Pumbaa… and the coconuts."

"Uh, actually Dad. That wasn't me. It was my evil twin cousin clone, Bimba."

"Bimba! Listen. You will go back to Pride Rock and face down Scar to become king."

"Pfft! Please. I'm down here and you're up there."

"What?"

"Uh, Simba," the monkey guru intervened as the lion laughed. "Let's not do the tauntin'."

"Guys, he's a cloud." Simba said to him. "What's he gonna-?"

A bolt of lightening struck the top of the tree directly above Simba.

Mufasa turned back to him, stern faced. "You were just saying?"

"Uh… I love you Daddy." the younger lion cowered back.

There was no sound for a moment as Mufasa's wrath grew stronger.

"You love me?" he boomed in a low voice.

"Yes, and I'll be your little-,"

"BULL FREAKING SHIT YOU LOVE ME!1111111"

"Daddy, Daddy please have mercy!" Simba begged.

_ZAP!_

The lion flew through the air clutching his steaming backside.

(A few moments later…)

"Hakunnah Matata!" Mufasa yelled out in a harsh, off key voice, zapping all the trees.

"What a WONDERFUL phrase!" He zapped the bushes and the grass.

As the smoke rose and Pumbaa and Timon clutched at each other sobbing, he continued.

"It means NO WORRIES!" Mufasa torched everything in sight.

"Daddy, please stop! I'm goin' I'm goin'!

"FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!" He finished with zapping all the grubs.

Pumbaa and Timon wailed louder into the night as Simba fled the burning refuge.

Yeah, it was time to go back to the Pride Lands. O_O

"You don't have to take it out on me!" Rafiki ran after Simba. "I'm only a ped-,"

ZAP!

To be continued…

~ Lavenderpaw ~


End file.
